Having deep meaningful friendships as a Highly Sensitive Person (HSP) is truly one of life’s greatest gifts. Everyone benefits from great relationships, and I have seen that who our friends are and how they show up for us (and we show up for them) is deeply important for HSPs and Empaths. Also important is how satisfied we feel with the quantity and quality of our friendships. Some of the qualities that I hear HSPs value in particular are authenticity, vulnerability, empathy, depth, warmth, kindness, caring, a typically evenkeel presence, fairness, reciprocity, and generosity. A lack of these qualities or values, and certainly the complete opposite of them, signals some relational challenges for many HSPs.
Something that I see commonly today is a lack of deep meaningful friendships and a desire for more connection and community. Life circumstances like a recent move, or close friends moving away, or chronic work in isolation and away from meaningful opportunities to deeply connect with others we enjoy, a shift in life changes such as birth, death, and empty nesting among others can increase our desire and need for increasing our friendships. Additionally, a thoughtful realization that we simply do not have the number of fulfilling friendships in life that we long for, can all trigger a desire to increase the quantity or quality of our friendships.
What gets in the way of making friends for HSPs?
Many things, but here are some common factors:
- A desire to avoid overstimulating gatherings and a need for your consistent downtime. You are often busy with work and life, so you really value the peaceful quiet calm that you can get for yourself.
- Diagnosed or undiagnosed depression, social anxiety, relational/friendship OCD or something else that gets in the way of getting out and connecting with others in a way that you wish to deep down.
- Having honestly had some unfortunate negative experiences with friends and now wanting to avoid feeling emotional pain, or the possible sting of rejection.
- Being a busy caring person who is over extended and has little time left for yourself.
- Getting in your head and overthinking the whole thing, so you don’t move to execute the plan until it’s too late. Maybe you think long and hard about making the best plan, or hosting a really thoughtful HSP-friendly event, but that plan just doesn’t get off the ground because it’s too detailed and not realistic to pull off with your busy life (hello perfectionism).
- Feeling frustrated with the process of making friends and wondering why it always has to be you reaching out and extending an invitation to others, and never the other way around.
- Worrying that you will keep somehow friending energy vampires because your over caring, over giving and generosity of spirit just keeps attracting non-reciprocal friendships and you are scared of finding yourself months or even years deep into friendships that are depleting instead of fulfilling you. (Always pay attention to how you feel with people before, during and after being with someone. Listen to your gut.)
- And then this very common issue of maintaining friendships that are not a fit for you out of a sense of obligation and maybe feeling guilty when you think about or try to end the friendship because you have an abundance of empathy and genuinely care about them. But it’s just not a fit. You know that their impact on you is more negative than it is positive. Maybe you’ve done a lot of growing, self-reflecting, therapy, coaching, podcast-lisening, reading, etc. and you feel that you’ve outgrown some friendships, or maybe they were never a great fit for you, in hindsight.
Why do we hold onto friendships that do not feel fulfilling?
You struggle to let the other person go and give them space to make new connections that are a better fit. Why do we do this? Here are some common reasons:
- You’ve already put so much into the friendship. There’s history and shared experiences, so many memories, and you don’t want to start from scratch and begin all over again.
- You already do not have lots of friends, and you are scared to have even fewer.
- Over-empathizing with the other person’s experience and hardships, and feeling a need to over-care; you are afraid of hurting them, instead of prioritizing your own needs.
- Fear of conflict. You’re afraid of “breaking up” with them because you fear that you may cause them to feel angry, and that can feel upsetting or even scary.
- We do not want to be “mean.” One of our core values is treating people the way that we want to be treated. Let’s flip this though and consider instead: if they knew how much you did not want to hang out with them, would they still want to hang out with you? What would you want if you were them? (A philosophical question to ponder: is it kind to spend time with someone when you really don’t actually want to be there?)
- You are no longer reaching out to them at all, like at all, but they reach out to you often and you feel guilty not responding, so you keep doing it.
Determining Fit and Letting Go Kindly
An important part of the friendship building process, similar to dating, is that we consider how we feel before, during and after being with someone, and then decide if we want to continue to pursue that friendship or not. Keep your end goal in mind during this process. There is nothing good or bad, or right or wrong about ruling people in or out, we are simply trying to determine fit, as are they. How you feel in their company matters more than anything. If it is not a fit on either end, we and they move on. As HSPs, it can feel harder to set and hold these boundaries, we can find ourselves spending time with people we do not truly want to, because we have empathy for them because we don’t like rejection and we empathize how it will feel for them.
Rejection can hurt on either end, but it’s important to remember that we have declined friendship with others for a variety of reasons, but why is it that when we experience it from another that we hold onto that feeling and experience? I like to flip this and think about if someone didn’t truly enjoy you and if they didn’t really want to hang out with you, would you really want them to ask you to hang out again, or would you prefer they give you space to move on and find connections who do value their time with you? Keep in mind that HSPs are sensitive to the types of friends and people they are around. Spend time with people who you feel great being with; HSPs can be spongy and so it is vital to have friendship that feels not just worth having but deeply rewarding to you both.
Know when it is not a fit and address it for yourself. HSPs can be subtle in communication and may believe that distancing, slower responses, or declining invitations is a clear indicator that the relationship is not one that we want to pursue. Sometimes we may have to be more direct to be clear, and that typically doesn’t feel very good to do, but it is something that we can practice and then it does become easier. HSPs often don’t want to hurt others because we care and have empathy for how other people feel, we sure don’t want to be the cause for other people’s pain. It is so important to be kind to yourself and have the friends that fill your bucket, and to set others free to find those who do enjoy being in their company if that’s not you. We are socialized to be nice, polite and kind and we sometimes take it too far, especially HSPs.
Some ideas of ways to make new friends
- Initiate a conversation with someone in one of the places that you happen to go (if you solely work or parent from home, it is important to get out of your home in some of the below ways).
- Attend meetups, gatherings, volunteer opportunities, live outdoor music events, and join in on communities that feel aligned with you and your values (maybe an animal rescue activity, museum events, a volunteer event for children, art center, nature walk or hike, spiritual practice, book club, etc.). During those outings, notice who you connect with naturally and follow your own lead.
- Let a great friend or acquaintance know that you’d love to increase your community and meet new similar vibed people whom they would recommend you connect with.
- Take walks in your neighborhood and talk to people, or at least be open to a conversation with someone along the way (it’s easiest if you like dogs).
- If you have young kids, plan playdates with different kids and see which parents you connect with most. Get to know other parents at your kids’ school, sports team, music lessons, or in the neighborhood. If you’re feeling adventurous, host a local parent and little ones playdate and see who you naturally feel most at ease with and enjoy (that’s how I met a few of my best friends).
- Ask someone from work, school, your child’s daycare, etc. to grab a coffee, brunch, ice cream, try that new place, take a peaceful morning walk along the beach or around a lake, or something of the like sometime.
- Be open to rejection, on either end. We are all trying to find great fits for ourselves. It’s okay when it isn’t a fit. It’s a good thing to know. Just do keep looking.
- If you are really in need of friends and feeling disconnected, make a goal to invite at least one new person to do something with you each week, or get one social activity on the calendar every weekend, or some other tangible and attainable goal that works well for you…and then do it.
- If you work from home all or most of the time, go work at a coworking space, a coffee shop/restaurant or some fun local space. Even better, sit at a communal style table or just invite someone to sit at your table if the place is packed and they’re standing around waiting for a spot to sit at. (Working from home entirely can feel like a retreat or a recipe for depression, depending on what we do with it, and even more so for extroverted HSPs.)
- Be brave. Ask for numbers. Text someone you would like to know better and invite them out.
- It might feel hard. Do it anyway.
The experience of rejection for HSPs
Most humans have a desire to be accepted and do not like rejection, real or perceived. Some HSPs find the experience of rejection to feel quite painful, as do many other differently-wired people. Sensitive people who have internalized the “too much” or “not enough” messages developed from past relationships over time can struggle with feelings of worthiness and doubt the value that they bring to friendship. The concept of rejection exists on a continuum, with some people having a minor dislike of rejection to some having a deeply painful and sometimes even debilitating felt experience of rejection (again, real or perceived). The latter on the far end of the continuum would describe Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD) which occurs especially for people with ADHD or Autism. For some people, the pain they experience from rejection, or even the fear and risk of the possibility of rejection, inhibits their ability, willingness and ease of engaging with others to develop friendships. Also keep in mind that HSPs crave great-fit friendships, which can mean a need to meet more people initially in order to find and experience the type of connection that we look for in a friend. This takes time, effort, grace, persistence and maintaining a long game perspective.
“Why Does It Always Have to Be Me?”
When it comes to connecting and building new friendships, a common frustration people experience is some version of “why does it always have to be me?” Why do I always have to be the one asking to exchange numbers, making plans to hangout, and putting myself out there and being vulnerable? Why don’t people invite me out? Why do other people have so many friends? Is there something that I say or do that others don’t like? Is there something wrong with me? Those are some of the types of comments people make when they are “in the market for friends,” as I think of it, and they are understandably feeling tired after a while (it’s vulnerable to keep putting yourself out there). It does make sense for it to feel unfair when we are not experiencing invitations from others.
It can feel helpful to backup and depersonalize the situation. Let’s think of it super simply, logically and mathematically. If someone’s friendship inventory feels low, or lower than they would like, then they are naturally going to be in a season of life where there is a need to put themselves out there to make the types of friends that they long for, and HSPs can be more particular and nuanced about the types of friendships that feel deeply fulfilling (that is okay). If a person’s friendship inventory is high, then they may very well be open to new friendships, but they are not actively working to make new friends because there is not a strong need for them to. They are not in the market and therefore likely not actively looking and making invitations because they happen to have a number of friends currently. Good for them. While they may very well be open to a new great potential friend, they just may not be putting in the work that you are to increase the number of friendships at this particular stage.
It’s Okay To Be In The Market For Friends
If it’s our season of life where we are in the market for friendship because our inventory of friendship is down, for whatever reason, then it can be productive to think of ourselves as being responsible for intentionally reaching out and pursuing friendship in a thoughtful way (not a grippy or anxious way, or the inverse). If you have noticed a pattern of getting stuck in this place and staying in the market for friendship for very long periods of time and you need help with this, ask a therapist whom you trust for support. It is important that we are not taking it personally that others are not actively trying to befriend us when their stock is fairly full (not taking it personally will help tremendously). Mathematically speaking, we have to work harder if we want to prioritize filling a low inventory of friendships, and so it is critical that we take it upon ourselves to do that work. When we are wired to be more sensitive, and especially for HSP introverts, this process can feel more daunting…and the benefits are SO worth it! Stay with it and little by little, you will reach your goal of building a warm supportive community that adds so much richness to your quality of life. HSPs tend to offer a lot in their friendships, so remind yourself from time to time the value that you bring into the lives of others.
Building friendship and community is a muscle that we can each strengthen over time so that we can have the support and community that we long for and deserve. If that feels overwhelming, painful or you would like support in the process, contact a therapist who can help you through and to the other side so that you can receive the kind of friendship that you offer so easily to others.
This blog is meant to offer insight and reflection, not medical or psychological advice. It’s no substitute for working with a licensed professional. The strategies mentioned here are general suggestions and may not resonate with everyone. If something doesn’t work for you, please know that this is simply one perspective, informed by my background, training, and experience. Also, any examples provided are purely hypothetical and do not reflect actual people or situations.
