One of the most difficult aspects of being sensitively-wired is navigating conflict and other stressful interactions that can leave a sensitive person’s nervous system feeling rattled. This can range from a small feeling that is a little uncomfortable to one that feels massive and overwhelming, or absolutely critical and gut-wrenchingly painful. The depth of processing that HSPs engage in about the conflict that occurred and surrounding feelings we hold related to it can last for minutes to days, coming to mind long after it has ended as we deeply process all of the layers of details that occurred. For some sensitive people and in more severe conflictual situations, the memories of a significant conflict can be held for a very long-time, for a variety of reasons. Sensitive people tend to think through the details of the conflict, the nuance of how the other person may have felt based on their expressions, intonation of their voice, how authentic and honest that person seemed to be, their posture and so many elements of the environment, as well as the other person or people involved. HSPs do not miss much.
The ability to “do conflict” is a helpful life tool, and it can feel less intense and painful than it does now. Conflict is not inherently problematic, though it does often feel unpleasant for HSPs. Conflict comes in many different forms and it can range from seemingly problematic and trivial to a difficult and sometimes very important conversation to have. Gaining clarity on your personal boundaries, and then setting and holding your boundaries can help significantly with the first type of conflict mentioned, and getting clear on your personal values (and also boundaries) is often helpful with the second type of conflict.
Engaging in a personal understanding of your values can help to become deeply and consistently aware of our own value assumptions and can be helpful in navigating conflict and maintaining perspective before, during and after conflict happens. Here’s an example of what I mean: if empathy is in a person’s top five core values, then they may feel triggered when engaging in a conflict with someone when empathy is not in the other person’s top core values, particularly if the issue is connected to the other person’s lack of empathy or understanding. There are hundreds of different values, and some of the primary core values that I commonly see in HSPs who do values exploration work include empathy, warmth, kindness, honesty, authenticity, generosity, gentleness, open mindedness and fairness. When HSPs face conflict with people who do not share the above values, it can feel especially hard and confusing…like, “How could they not care?” When we remember that they do not share our core values, and even consider what values may be primary to the other person, it can give us some clarity in navigating all different types of people. When you experience conflict, hold your core values close and also notice when your own values are in conflict with each other in certain situations, and when your values are different or even opposite from someone else’s with whom you are navigating conflict.
While many of us wish major conflicts were not a part of life at all, they unfortunately are…to varying degrees, depending on our unique situations and circumstances. So, it is important to work to make conflict feel less uncomfortable, less painful and pour into ourselves so that the “recovery” period is lighter and faster from the larger incidents and possibly even have us unphased by the smaller to medium ones. We only have control over ourselves and how we respond to others in conflictual situations. We have no control over what others say and do, just over ourselves. We do have control over bringing more people into our inner circles who share our core values, which can help a ton in all categories of life.
When we’re anticipating conflict, here are some strategies that can feel helpful
There are numerous forms of conflict, and navigating all forms can feel lighter by using different strategies to support you. Here are quite a few, see which work for you, and hold onto any that do.
Caring for Yourself
- Focus on your breathing, your body, giving yourself love and gentleness for doing something truly hard.
- Engage in deep breathing exercises, like the 4-4-8 breath (in, hold, out), place your hand on your belly if it’s a “virtual/phone/text conflict” and ensure that your belly pushes out as you breathe.
- Keep your environment/office space beautiful and calming to you, have plants, warm tea + a cup warmer, candles, soothing colors, paintings and other supportive items to make the icky aspect of conflict feel lighter.
- Continually find ways to bring joy into your life and a smile to your face to balance out the heaviness of conflict, particularly when conflict is with people who are low in empathy and kindness and/or the subject is triggering for you.
- Practice really solid ongoing daily self-care.
- Listen to guided imagery for support during or after conflict.
- Listen to a supportive guided meditation before and after the conflict.
- If it’s virtual or on the phone or texting, use some sensory putty, sip a warm beverage, use your weighted or heated blanket, enjoy your essential oils, snuggle your pet, ground your feet on the floor or carpet, look out the window, walk and talk if you can, or something else to help you stay present and give you something to relax and ground yourself.
- Get support. It can feel really icky, painful, or even destabilizing to be in and after certain kinds of conflict, or when conflict is never ending with someone. Talk to someone you trust who can help provide you with support and perspective.
Preparing for Conflict
- Remember that the majority of people are not sensitive, and direct language with non-HSPs is not going to feel to them the way it sounds to you as a sensitive person.
- Prepare 2-3 key points that you want to get across in advance of a conversation/meeting if it is a bigger and anticipated conflict.
- Learn about and engage in a supportive self-compassion practice that you use before, during and after conflict.
- Take different perspectives of the situation when appropriate, remembering that the feeling will be temporary and that we can cope with hard things. (What is the other person’s perspective? What is their communication style? Do they struggle with self-regulating when triggered and are they still as angry or upset as they seemed, for example? And how angry or upset are you? How severe is the conflict?)
- When in conflict, don’t let your delivery undermine your intended message, so speak from your grounded calm self when possible, saying what you mean. Turn up the volume by being increasingly direct if you’re not being fully understood (they may or may not be an HSP).
- Know your biggest triggers and be mindful of them related to the conflict.
- If the other person’s volume is big, loud and unpleasant, or if they are rude, remind them how you will be spoken to (practicing this with a therapist can be helpful).
- Take your time in responding when you are upset -journal, talk to a partner, friend, therapist or other supportive person to sort through the conflict prior to responding.
- Notice if you are limiting what you need to say in an effort to protect someone else’s feelings.
Managing your Mind
- HSPs can learn to turn the volume down when someone is feeling extra abrasive and choose to take it in at “an HSP level.” This strategy takes time and practice and is useful when engaging with people who are not at all sensitive.
- Focus on yourself mindfully throughout the conversation and do not allow their words to become internalized. Listen for the central message versus taking in their words and feelings (their feelings only belong to them, they’re not yours to absorb).
- Reframe the situation when you can and how you see conflict in general. If a friend went through the conflict that you did, what would you tell them about it?
- Actively practice mindfulness and grounding strategies during the conflict, using focused breathing exercises.
- Engage in perspective taking strategies like, how much do you think this conversation will matter to you in one year, in five years, or in ten years?
- Consider the source -how meaningful is this person to you? How much do you value and respect their opinion? (Let that guide you.)
- Perspective taking, in the scheme of things happening in your life, or the life of a loved one, how important is this particular conflict or subject? Is your response and energy toward it reflective of however important it is? I like to imagine a pie chart and think about what percentage important it is, and work to have my energy around it fit reasonably within the significance of it.
Why does conflict feel so overwhelming and even make it hard to think?
You know that feeling when conflict feels so uncomfortable realtime that it can flood your nervous system and cause the prefrontal cortex to go temporarily off-line, so that deep critical thinking part of your brain can no longer articulate what you’d like to communicate in the way you ordinarily do with such depth and ease.
When this happens, it can leave you feeling frustrated and confused, during and after the event as you process how you managed and existed through it all. When the prefrontal cortex is less accessible than we would like, and the amygdala (in charge of many things in the brain, but responsible for scanning for danger) is fully online and in fight, flight, freeze, or fawn mode, it is quite difficult to say and do all the things that we would like to. We can work to shift that and have it happen less and less over time. Some of the above mentioned strategies can help calm the nervous system down, which can help us to access our thoughts more clearly.
Conflict and Getting Support
Navigating conflict is hard for most people and I’ve found it to be especially difficult and impactful to sensitively-wired people. Most of us benefit from having someone to talk to for support in navigating conflict, and therapy with a supportive HSP knowledgeable therapist, can be incredibly helpful to navigate through conflict. Support can be critical if you find yourself chronically dealing with conflict due to personal or professional life circumstances, and you find that this is taking a toll on your overall wellbeing.
Maybe you are dealing with a toxic boss, a tough moment in friendship, or an unethical system, or maybe you notice that even driving conflict (hello inconsiderate drivers on the 405 or the 95) gets you more riled up than you’d like and you want support in moving through conflict with more boundaries, groundedness, self-compassion and ease.
Conflict can feel less difficult to navigate with consistent effort and mindfulness focused on the issue. Some conflict will be constructive and valuable and some will not, some will be benign and some emotionally abusive (get professional support). Unfortunately, we will all face unethical people, practices and systems at different times in our lives. Sometimes there will be conflict with people not acting within their own values, and/or acting within a broken or unethical system. If you have ongoing conflict like this for periods of time, it is tough for anyone–and even more so for HSPs. Support from a grounded therapist during times like these to manage troubling experiences can make the load feel much lighter, and you less alone.
The Importance of Self-Care Alongside Conflict
Self-care is extremely important in general, and even more so when HSPs are navigating ongoing conflict and triggering dynamics. It’s important to pour into yourself, so that you can arrive in these moments as your most fully-energized, full-bucket, version of yourself. Making a list of all of the different activities and experiences that feel most supportive to you can be helpful, and then plugging time into your calendar to do self-care each day (reoccurring, ideally) is one way to hold yourself accountable for taking really good care of yourself.
People sometimes say that self-care is selfish; that sentiment could not be farther from the truth. Self-care is protective of you and the people you love. Taking great care of ourselves can help to prevent burnout, improve mental and physical health, and it is also helpful in insulating ourselves from the full impact of conflict itself. The more prolonged and intense conflict feels, the more important it is to continue ensuring you engage in activities that help you to feel joy and peace alongside the conflict.
Dealing with conflict is unpleasant for most people, and we can all benefit from having various forms of support moving through conflict. Sometimes, there is conflict that it’s helpful to learn to face and to build resilience. Other times though, a sensitive person is existing in a problematic environment, system or relationship(s) that will always wreak havoc on them, and it is critical to get help navigating a path forward for your wellbeing. There are times when we have to get quiet and listen to ourselves, do a gut check and learn to trust what we know to be true about the environment that we are existing, and trying to persist in. Maybe it isn’t good for us, maybe it’s causing harm. If you feel like this may be true for you, it is important to get support while you move through the process–especially if you feel a paralysis in moving forward on your own. I have found that it can really help to have solid support during times of conflict, learn tools, find strategies to calm ourselves down, and then listen to the wisdom that is within you.
This blog is meant to offer insight and reflection, not medical or psychological advice. It’s no substitute for working with a licensed professional. The strategies mentioned here are general suggestions and may not resonate with everyone. If something doesn’t work for you, please know that this is simply one perspective, informed by my background, training, and experience. Also, any examples provided are purely hypothetical and do not reflect actual people or situations.
