Strategies to avoid falling for toxic dating patterns
“Why do I keep falling for the same type and patterns over and over again? Dating is exhausting.” I hear these comments and experiences often, and I’ve experienced these types of dates myself as well, including as a seasoned therapist who has worked with plenty of people diagnosed with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD), worked with those hurt by narcissistic people and simply selfish daters. The truth is that it can be tricky to tell in the beginning with true Covert Narcissism, because it is covert by definition: “not openly acknowledged or displayed.”
This is the way that it often unfolds: you have that first date, or those first few days of text exchanges in the apps or a phone call and it leaves you feeling amazing and thinking that they are just so perfect for you, like they check every box, yet there is a voice somewhere within you that wonders if they are, possibly, too good to be true? Many of us know the standard red flags to look for when they are obvious. What about the ones that are largely hidden in the beginning, that ever so gradually begin to surface in a way that makes you wonder: What happened to that complimentary, kind, deep and rapid-paced, energizing fun connection that we had? Why did this change in a way that has me questioning what happened, feeling so confused, and makes me wonder if I did something wrong? Or was it them? Covert Narcissism, clinical or subclinical, can be one of the trickiest dating experiences to navigate. I have found that Highly Sensitive People, Empaths, and other sensitively-wired people, and especially those who experienced childhood emotional neglect or trauma, seem to find themselves in this situation more often, for a variety of reasons.
The first date with a Covert Narcissist (aka a Vulnerable Narcissist) is often the best one that you’ll have with them, and then the way you feel on dates most often trends downward from there, sometimes quickly. Here’s how it begins: they are intensely engaged early on, very communicative, and they tell you how great you are–YOU are the one they’ve been waiting for. They’re all in on you and that feels really good, so what more could you want? They notice nuances about your personality, remember small details (something you said in conversation, a book you mentioned or a favorite candy); they are SO attuned and present with you. You feel deeply seen and connected with for the first time in probably a long time. There is also commonly intense chemistry found in these connections. They say so many of the things that you long to hear over the course of your first few dates. It all feels too good to be true. It’s exciting, exhilarating, maybe even like a fairy tale. It’s everything you’ve been waiting for!
Sometimes after just one or two dates they will tell you that they don’t want to see anyone else, they’ll tell you that they deleted the apps; they want to be exclusive with you before they know you well enough to know if you two are a good fit. They may or may not directly let you know, but they don’t want you going on other dates. It feels like you are all they ever wanted and they’re ALL in on you. Great, right? Not so fast…
They shower you with compliments, and often little gifts too. It does feel really good, but there is this feeling as they look at you, that they are waiting for you to return the compliments they give you. You can intuitively tell that they want you to tell them how great they are, because they need their egos fueled by you (aka Narcissistic Supply). Suddenly it all feels like too much. You initially start returning the compliments that you sense they are thirsting for, in earnest. After a while though you just find yourself not wanting to because, in your gut, it feels manipulative but you also don’t want to judge someone for being kind to you. It’s confusing; one of your key values is likely being a kind and good-hearted person, so how can you not serve up compliments? Your gut is sending you an alert that something is wrong, but you can’t put your finger on it because you’re surrounded by a sense that there is so much here that you do not want to lose…and the chemistry is fire.
The fact is that this situation is often tough to spot early on. Much of what we get on these early dates is what the dating coaches say that it should be. You get the focused attention, they show clear interest in you and are actively pursuing you, they make plans and keep them, go out of their way to make time and see you, remember what you say; so much of how they show up is on point.
But then things begin to slide…it does not take long for them to start making little digs about you and others that leave you feeling hurt, confused and surprised because you did not foresee that mean-spirited passive-aggressive behavior coming from them. They find ways to avoid ownership of their hurtful words and actions. If you call them out, their response is often some version of “I was just joking,” “you’re too sensitive,” or “it’s not a big deal.” Sometimes they apologize and take some ownership, but the hurtful jabs and flippant comments keep trickling in. You keep going because aspects of this relationship do feel amazing, and you decide to cut them some slack because no one is perfect, and you do have fun and appreciate the intensity with which they can connect with you, it’s next level. The hurtful comments and pushing against your boundaries doesn’t end though.
They pressure you to be exclusive with them when you’re just getting to know them and you are not sure if you want to be with them yet, they encourage you to go away with them for a weekend trip or plan for an elaborate future vacation with them, or they pressure you to be intimate with them before you are ready. They increasingly show you that you are there to please them, to meet their wants and needs…but what about yours?
Here is a Dating Survival Guide for the sensitively-wired, with some tips and tricks to be aware of as you date:
These daters often feel overly complimentary from the beginning, they engage in subtle but often over-valuing of you; it can even happen as early as in those first messages on the dating apps. The dating process with them feels fast-paced and intense; often really good on the first couple dates, and with tons of chemistry. They say things that make you feel rare, special and unique. You long to feel seen fully and have your awesomeness validated, so you lean into these compliments…after all, we’re supposed to accept compliments, right? (This is tricky, and the answer is often yes, but this is different.) They want to know all about you, maybe your exes, your kids, and they want and expect you to be vulnerable with them from the very beginning. (They also want to know what you can do to please them and are looking for you to stroke their ego, but that part may or may not happen on the first date or two.)
When they talk about their past relationships, they often blame their exes and don’t take much if any accountability for their part of what went wrong. You leave with a general sense that their ex did something wrong and they were somehow a victim in their relationship(s).
They dislike slow, healthy pacing in a relationship, and they can’t seem to get enough of you. They push against your boundaries and it feels like they need a large amount of your time after even just date one. You have a life that you had before you met them, close friends, family, maybe kids, but it feels like they don’t really understand your need to be with other people in your life. It starts to feel overwhelming, like the time you give them will never be enough for them. Even after a few dates, you might be starting to feel a bit smothered, or maybe even controlled.
Other red flags to look out for:
- They often talk about a future with you on date one or two, when no one knows if the two of you are a good fit to have a future together because the fact is that you barely know each other.
- They may comment that you are so “proper or boundaried” when you decline them and set and hold boundaries with them -they use these and other comments to push back on your boundaries.
- They make mild cutting/mean-vibed comments indicating that you are boring for pacing yourself in dating and taking time to get to know them, not drinking or not drinking much, or about your wanting to get home to get good sleep to show up for your other commitments the next day. Read: they don’t like or respect your boundaries.
- They sometimes go overboard on a first meeting/may choose a fancy restaurant/try hard to impress, may give gifts even on date one. It feels thoughtful and romantic, but also a bit much for someone they’re meeting for the very first time online and no one knows if the connection will be anything. (This in itself is not a red flag, but when it is combined with putting pressure and expectations on you, along with the other red flags, then it is something to take note of).
- They act like they know what’s best for you, your family, your life and push to get lots of your free time very early on.
- If you have a co-parent, they may be insensitive or even jealous about your need to communicate with them about your kids. They may even be frustrated with your need to communicate with your children.
- They may ask personal questions that feel nosey or prying, questions that are just not meant for a first, second, or third date, or for wherever you are in the dating process.
- Something feels off in your gut and it’s not sitting right after a few dates, you feel torn.
- Texts from them may evoke big feelings in you and may feel manipulative and put pressure on you. You need time to process their messages before responding, but there is a sense of pressure and expectation for you to respond sooner than you are ready to.
- Your boundaries are pushed up against often, or crossed, even though they may say they will respect them.
- They talk about “us” like we’re 100% a sure thing even after a date or two, and they refer to “our relationship” after a couple dates, before you are in fact in a relationship. Maybe you’ve been on three dates, but they treat the connection like it’s been three months, or even three years.
- They may do a lot of the talking and not quite as much listening (unless you’re being vulnerable, then they are all ears and remember everything you said).
- They receive and actively seek genuine validation from you, though they may give it sparingly, especially if you continue to date them long-term.
- You experience unnecessary, unhealthy, concentrated pressure on an intense fast-paced dating process, led by them, that feels overwhelming to you, because it is.
- They may over value and pedestalize you. The truth is that this phenomenon can feel really good in the moment, especially when we heard few words of affirmation growing up and have an unmet need going back to childhood.
- They don’t seem empathetic toward others or toward you, but you sense that they really do feel sorry for themselves.
- They carry themselves with a sense that they are more right/correct than you are.
- They give you advice despite you communicating that you do not need or want it (they do not respect your boundaries).
- They value and expect selflessness from you; it’s a quality that they are looking for in a partner.
- They tend to be passive aggressive with you after a few dates and get frustrated with you for “not being able to take a joke or sarcasm.” They can dish it, but cannot take it and they often lack insight into their problematic behaviors.
- Relationships like this, especially over time, can hack away at your self-esteem, self-concept, and self-love.
Covert Narcissists often do check so many boxes that blogs, social media, dating coaches and others tell us to look for in a partner, so it is confusing. They’re very intentional and feel tricky and it may take some time to spot these behaviors and patterns when dating. From my experience, dating someone with Covert Narcissism is not necessarily what we think it would be from what we see in the media. It is tricky and hard to spot because their narcissism is, by definition, covert and therefore hidden away and so it is, to varying degrees, hard for you to see.
Here are some important questions to ask yourself when dating, to protect your energy and make choices that feel supportive:
- Do you feel solidly safe and secure with them?
- Do they respect the boundaries that you set?
- Do they assume positive intent on your part?
- Are they consistently kind and respectful of you?
- Does it feel like they are placing pressure on you?
- Do they actively listen to and respect what you have to say?
- What is your gut telling you about them? Is there something that feels off?
- Are they respectful of your wants and needs, or are they prioritizing their own wants, needs and desires over yours?
If this is a pattern that you find yourself in, or feel like you’re always falling for the wrong partners, or just struggle with dating and relationships, reach out for support. Don’t blame yourself for falling prey to these tactics, lots of people do as they can be incredibly difficult to spot, especially early on…because it often does feel amazing at first. It’s called Love Bombing for a reason. Take care of yourself out there so that dating can feel more fun, safe and you can reach your goal of finding someone who is a great fit for you.
This blog is meant to offer insight and reflection, not medical or psychological advice. It’s no substitute for working with a licensed professional. The strategies mentioned here are general suggestions and may not resonate with everyone. If something doesn’t work for you, please know that this is simply one perspective, informed by my background, training, and experience. Also, any examples provided are purely hypothetical and do not reflect actual people or situations.
